Getting Rid of Matthew

Downloadable audio file

What to do if Matthew, your secret lover of the past four years, finally decides to leave his wife Sophie (and their two daughters) and move into your flat, just when you're thinking that you might not want him anymore...

PLAN A

Stop shaving your armpits. And your bikini line

Tell him you have a moustache that you wax every six weeks

Stop having sex with him

Pick holes in the way he dresses

Don't brush your teeth. Or your hair. Or the stray hag-whisker that grows out of your chin

Buy incontinence pads and leave them lying around

PLAN B

Accidentally on purpose bump into his wife Sophie

Give yourself a fake name and identity

Befriend Sophie

Actually begin to really like Sophie

Snog Matthew's son (whose the same age as you by the way. You're not a paedophile)

Buy a cat and give it a fake name and identity

Befriend Matthew's children. Unsuccessfully

Watch your whole plan go absolutely horribly wrong

Getting Rid of Matthew isn't as easy as it seems, but along the way Helen will forge an unlikely friendship, find real love and realize that nothing ever goes exactly to plan...

Read by Fenella Woolgar

(p) 2007 Orion Publishing Group